Having a small circle is not a flex.
It's a trauma response.
Humans NEED community.
We cannot and will not THRIVE without it. And when shit get sticky we might even need it to survive.
My circle isn't small... it's layered.
Each layer comes with a different set of rules and responsibilities, and also perks and privileges.
If someone isn't fitting with the rules, regulations and responsibilities of one layer, the they can get put in a more appropriate layer.
If someone shows they deserve more privilege and perks, they too can get put in a more appropriate layer.
My circle is living and breathing.
This is what BOUNDARIES are for.
Here is an exercise that helped me to get over my trust issues and responsibly open myself to community, so that I could create the beautifully VAST circle I have now.
This is a visual representation of setting boundaries. Each level has different rules and responsibilities, perks and privileges.
The first layer is your heart: This is you at your realest. It’s the sacred space where your identity, values, and essence live. Nobody gets access here unless they truly *get* you. It’s your inner sanctum.
The next layer makes up your intimates, your ride-or-die squad. These people know your secrets, your struggles, and your dreams. They’ve earned their spot, and you trust them with the deep stuff. Think your closest family or your day-one friends.
Then you have your inner circle crew. These are your trusted people—good friends, maybe some close extended family. They’re tight with you, but maybe not on the intimate level of closeness.
Next up is your outer circle. These are your homies and fam. They’re solid, but they don’t get access to your deepest self. Think people in your friend group that aren't quite your inner circle, extended family, family friends, close neighbors.
For me the outer circle, inner circle, and intimates make up what I consider my village. I can call on these people in times of need for varying levels of support.
Then you have your community connections. These are your good vibes but casual connections. Co-workers you chill with only at work, gym buddies, or friends you only see at parties. They’re cool, but the relationship stays surface-level.
Orbital folks are the passing acquaintances. You know them, they know you, but that’s about it. You nod in the hallway or follow each other on socials, but that’s as far as it goes.
The peripheral is where the potential connections hang out. People you’ve seen around, heard about, or maybe want to link up with in the future. They’re not really in your life yet, but they could be.
Finally you have the void. This is for people you don't know, or for people who you no longer wish to interact with on any level whatsoever.
You get to decide how much of YOU each level gets access to.
You'll notice there is no line between you and intimates because these people get access to the deeper parts of you, but everyone outside of that has a line that they must pass in order to make it to the next level. These are like your gates and barriers that help keep your boundaries in place.
If you don't have any barriers or gates, you might as well not have any boundaries.
These barriers and gates are the stipulations that you put in place that define the rules, regulations, perks and privileges of each level.
For example the people in your intimate circle might be able to see you naked, people in your inner circle might hear about an upcoming pregnancy or job, people in your community connections might get invited to a social gathering; but these privileges also come with rules. You might expect people in your intimate circle to check in on you or respond to you in a certain time frame or manner, you might expect people in your inner circle to behave a certain way or share special moments etc.
You decide what defines the circle, and what makes up the barriers to entry, what one must do to maintain their position on that level and ultimately who goes into what level. You also get to change your mind, redraw borders, change the guest list, and kick folks out if you have to too.
It's your circle.